It occurs to me (somewhat belatedly) that I might have worried some people with my last post. No, I’m not suicidal at the moment, and things are more or less under control. It’s not that I *want* to die; I simply recognize the likelihood that at some point I’ll choose death as preferable to living with uncontrollable cycling. I believe very strongly in life, but not at all costs.
As for the taboo on suicide…that’s a longer discussion, which I will skip for now. I have thought it through pretty carefully, though.
I’m also still working with various medications…we might find something. I don’t expect much, but you never know.
The good news, however, is that I am now un-stuck on the book, and can move forward.
I don’t mean to be morbid about all of this, honestly. I think the message to be gotten out of all this is not one of despair, but one of hope–because it is not how long you live that is important, but how you live. I am pretty satisfied with my life to date, because it has been lived intensely, and with few regrets. And the fact is that we all die. I’d like to live longer, but I feel that I’ve been living like this:
All my life I have wanted to say:
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
Living under the shadow of death makes you love life like nobody’s business, and teaches you not to waste time. I’m not saying I wouldn’t get rid of the bipolar disorder tomorrow (I would get rid of it ten years ago if I could), but it has taught me a great deal about life, not least of which is to value every moment that you have. By doing so, I think I am living more, in a shorter time, than people who live longer but who take it for granted.
If I could say just one thing to people, it is this: You will die. Don’t take life for granted; live every moment that you have.